The other night Sunny asked me to tell her about the day she and her brothers were born. I’ve told her before, of course, just every so often she asks me to tell them again. She is a sweet and insightful little girl, and I think she can see that I love the telling as much as she loves hearing. For me its one of the happiest little rituals we have. It fills my heart up to bursting to recall and share all the little details that made each of their Birth Days special.

Like the day Sunny was born, my water broke in the middle of the night, and we got up like robot zombies and drove to the hospital, waking up fully about half way there to the fact that our lives were about to change forever. I had planned on a natural childbirth, and I think the labor and delivery nurses took that to mean that they could leave me alone and give me a taste of what having a baby was all about. I guess they were having a busy night, this was Utah after all, pretty much the Baby Making Capital of the World, so not ONE of those hateful, horrible nurses came in to check on me for the first three hours I was there. Chris was bored out of his mind , and hungry, so he decided to run to the McDonald’s across the street before things got too serious. Naturally about five minutes after he left I started sitting up in the bed, trying to pull my hair right out of my head because I was in so much pain. At this point the nurse finally decided to grace me with her presence and proceeded to YELL at me that I needed to get my shit together, because I was in for a long day. All I can say is WHAT A BITCH, because then she checked me and discovered that I was, in fact, on the verge of delivery AT THAT VERY MOMENT. Then a lot of running and draping and moving of equipment happened, and I was ready to push when Chris walked in and thought he was in the wrong room. About five minutes after that, they laid this tiny little bundle on my stomach. I was so tired I could hardly look at her, but I put my index finger in her hand and she squeezed it. I had never felt anything so beautiful in my whole life. I knew what true love was.

The day Leo was born, I didn’t realize I was in labor until I was in some serious pain, and Chris considered pulling the car over and delivering the baby on the side of the road because my contractions were so close together. We got to the hospital and he was born an hour later. I didn’t even get to hold him, because he wasn’t breathing well, and his heart beat was abnormal. A few hours later my doctor and a paramedic came into my room and told me they had to transfer him to Primary Children’s Hospital, that his heart was enlarged which meant he would most likely die. I went completely numb, I think as a way to protect myself. I felt nothing, which I am actually thankful for, because there is really nothing like being told your newborn will probably die. Its the kind of thing that will break a person, and would have broken me, but my brain chose to protect me by shutting down my emotions. A few hours later Chris had a consultation with a cardiologist, and it turns out that there was actually nothing wrong with Leo. They kept him in the hospital for four days, they said to make sure he was really ok, but as far as I could tell it was so they could use him as a human pin cushion. His feet were completely black from being squeezed four times a day for a blood sample. I was incredibly relieved the day we brought him home, so he could begin his life post needles and tubes, and so I could finally get to know the little guy.

I was induced and had an epidural when Badger was born, and all I can say is THANK GOD FOR MODERN MEDICAL SCIENCE. I laid in bed, we watched a movie from a list of ancient VHS tapes someone had donated to the hospital, and then I had a baby. It was pretty much that simple. Badger was in perfect health and spirits, and I was so grateful, I decided I shouldn’t push my luck by having any more.

So when you are wrapped up in the every day, never ending, struggle that is raising little children, its hard to believe that they will ever grow up. You pray on a daily basis, DEAR GOD WILL THEY EVER GROW UP? And you are not even sure you believe in God, but its worth a try to ask someone if they will ever grow up and stop screaming and whining and pooping in their pants. But then they do. Sunny is already slipping away from me. She doesn’t like me to hug her, or sit on my lap,or tell me she loves me, or bother her when she is playing with her friends. It will eventually happen with the boys too. All I can say is, while this hurts so bad, like my very heart is being RIPPED out and torn in to teeny tiny pieces, I understand its the natural progression of life. I’m grateful that I have been here with them, every day, watching them grow and guiding them through life, and while its up and down and happy and sad, its definitely worth the ride.