Once upon a time I didn’t think twice about going out to eat. We could go anywhere, anytime, and my biggest concern would be the preparation and serving of my food. And people, let me say for the record that THIS IS HOW GOING TO A RESTAURANT SHOULD BE. Because now that we have these three little personifications of WHAT NOT TO DO WHEN EATING AT A RESTAURANT IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE, it is really too difficult to take them out. But we still do it anyway. This is because we are insane. For evidence I offer up our latest trip to an actual restaurant, to you, my dear reader.

It was about a week ago, and Chris and I were struck with an insatiable desire for cold beer on tap. This happens to us every once in a while and it’s generally this desire that drives us to go eat out, because we all know that cold beer on tap and a good meal have been clinically proven to heal all a persons ills. I know this because I saw it on The News. So we racked our brains to find a place that had all the necessary components (beer, food, and loud music so no one can distinguish the voices of our children screaming bloody murder over the sweet tones of the Bee Gee’s) for our evening out. We decided on a little place called Joe’s Crab Shack. Our kids for some reason LOVE this place. Probably because of all the dirty toys that are hanging from the ceiling. Or it could be because Leo’s grandpa once paid him $100 for eating one little shrimp there (which is a good story and probably deserves its own post), so it holds a kind of magic for them. Also, they always call it Joe’s Crap Shack, not because it’s funny, but because they don’t know any better. We never correct them. This adds a certain level of humor and excitement to our lives.

We were seated at Joe’s for about two minutes when Sunny announced she needed to go to the bathroom. She and I were seated on the inside of the booth, so for us to get up we had to get Leo’s attention and have him get up and out. This wasn’t as easy as it sounds, but was eventually accomplished. Sunny and I went to the bathroom and got back to the table just in time for me to order my beer (mmmm, beer!) and food, and for Badger to yell out that he needed to go to the bathroom. Chris got up and took him because as a general rule we keep boys with boys and girls with girls when it comes to public restroom use. Also it helps to take turns being the potty trip parent, that way we share the possibility of losing our appetites equally.

They came back to the table, and our food was served. Half way through our delicious seafood (or chicken finger) feast, Badger yells: “I NEED TO POOP!” then he pauses for a moment, and says: “No, it was just a FART!” Then a few minutes later Badger yells: “I need to poop, again!” and pauses and says: “No, it was just another fart.” Thankfully, I believe the people sitting around us were spared this loud display of our horrible parenting thanks to Boy George. But when he finally announced for a THIRD time that he needed to poop, I decided to just take him to the bathroom and have it out.

Mission accomplished, we returned to our seats and the meal was thankfully wrapping up. I had enjoyed my beer and yummy seafood, but I was growing tired of my children rolling around on the floor under our table and jumping up and down on the seats of our booth, not to mention the excessive trips to the bathroom. I know this is going to sound like an unbelievable, James Frey-ish exaggeration, but we were just about to pay the check when Leo said he needed to go to the bathroom. Chris and I both told him that he was just gonna have to hold it, because we could not take ONE MORE TRIP TO THE BATHROOM. But Leo insisted that he could NOT hold it, so Chris ran off toward to bathroom holding Leo at an arms length in case a accident occurred. Sunny and Badger followed them, saying they needed to go again too. All I could think was DEAR GOD, WILL YOU GET ME OUT OF THIS RESTAURANT RIGHT NOW!

Chris and Leo went into the men’s room, and Sunny and Badger went into the girls. Chris later told me that when he and Leo got into the stall, Chris pulled down Leo’s pants and, in what I can only picture in a slow motion, horror film type scene, a big chunk of poop (yes, poop) fell out right onto the floor. He somehow used his iron will, and a lot of toilet paper, to clean up the situation. They met Sunny and Badger, who were laughing their asses off, on the way out of the bathroom. They continued to laugh all the way back to the table where Badger informed the waitress, who was just bringing our receipt at that unlucky moment, of what was so damn funny.

“I JUST PEED ALL OVER THE TOILET SEAT!”

We are never going out to eat again.