One day last week after Leo was done with his morning kindergarten session his best friend invited him over to play. I happily drove him to his friends house, and then drunk on the prospect of getting some shopping done with only one child in tow, I headed off to the store. Half way there I realized that I had forgotten to bring my purse because I was obviously a little too drunk. I turned around and went back home to get it, and that’s when my day of one child drunken shopping took a turn for the worse.

As I pulled into my driveway, I could see the backs of two people standing at the front door ringing the doorbell over and over. Because of angles and blindspots and drunkenness I was unable to identify these two figures, because believe you me had I identified these two people I would have pulled right out of my driveway and speed away, purse and shopping be damned! Instead I got out of the car and walked around to the front door, with the intention of telling who ever it was to go away because I had shopping to do with only one child and it couldn’t wait.
That’s when I was greeted by two pimply faced representatives for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

They immediately began to interrogate me.

Are you LDS?
Technically.
Do you go to church?
No. (I’m pretty sure they knew that answer)
Why not?
I don’t want to.
Do you have a testimony of the Gospel?
No.
But do you believe Joseph Smith was a true prophet of God?
No.
Oh, okay. We’d like to come back later and talk to your whole family about this, can we do that?
No.
If we give you a scripture to read would you promise to read it?
No.

They handed me a card with a picture of Jesus on one side and a scripture written on the other. I took the card and resisted the urge to tell them to fuck off!!, because, guess what assholes?, I’ve read that scripture at least 20 times, and it’s bullshit! Really, my urge to tell them off!!, it wasn’t that much of an urge because my belief in karma and humanity won’t really allow me to tell them off. That, and the fact that I’m a wuss.

For those of you who are blissfully unaware, there is a song with a similar title to that of my post used to indoctrinate young Mormon children from the time they begin to speak. I could sing it for you now, by heart, along with many other songs with themes ranging from the historical accuracy of the Book of Mormon to how the pioneer children had the most AWESOME time in the world walking from Missouri to Salt Lake City. And don’t even get me started on how Saturday is the most special day cuz it’s THE DAY WE GET READY FOR SUNDAY! Yes, it’s true people. The Mormons are trying to teach young children that their ENTIRE weekend should be devoted to church. What a fucking rip off.

I guess my main point here is I felt sorry for those kids, those fresh and pimply little missionaries, because I knew where they were coming from. It’s not really their fault, they just probably grew up singing the songs, you know?My brother served a 2 year full-time mission, and my nephew is currently serving his 2 years in a distant foreign country so karmicly speaking I couldn’t be mean to those kids because they are my brother and my nephew. And really I don’t think I need to be contributing to more negativity in the world. That and I’m a total wuss.

But then Chirs did this to their little card, and I have to admit it made me feel just a little bit better about the spoilage of my day, my inability to tell people off, about being raised Mormon, and just about life in general.